It is much easier to prevent a temper tantrum than it is to stop it once it starts. Here are some tips for preventing temper tantrums:
"Catch" you child doing Adventure Comics right thing and reward positive behavior rather than always focusing on the negative, especially in situations where they are prone to outbursts. For example, say, "Nice job sharing with your friend." This is THE principle behind PBS (Positive Behavior Supports) that public schools are beginning to implement. "You are so busted doing the right thing!"
If it isn't a choice - tell, don't ask. Instead of asking "Wouldn't you like to come to the dinner table now?" just say "It is time for dinner".
Give your child control over little things whenever possible by giving them choices. Being able to make their own decisions - even on small things - gives your child more of a feeling of control, and can save you from a major power struggle later. "Which do you want to do first--brush your teeth or put on your pajamas?" Often the purpose of the behavior (the fit) is to establish some control in the decision making process. "Would you like the red one or the blue one?"
If they are not supposed to have it, keep it out of sight. A little prior planning to reduce temptation and the arguments and tantrums that inevitably follow, can go a long way to preventing a temper tantrum. For example, if you are doing a craft project and you don't want them playing with the bottle of glue, don't bring it out until you need it - then put it away again. Removing temptation before it becomes a problem is the way to think about preventing the "she had another episode".
"Hey! I know a game we can play!" Distract your child by redirecting her to another activity when she starts to tantrum over something she should not do or cannot have. "Let's read a book together." Change the subject. Use the Bugs Bunny method "Hey! What's that over there?" This one works well combined with the tip on using humor. Get your child to laugh - it works. Get them interested in something else.
Move away from the tantrum producing situation. "Let's go for a walk." "Come on downstairs with me." "Sit with me over here." Just be careful you don't jump out of the pan and into the fire! Have another activity ready in the new location to complete the redirection away from whatever was making them escalate.
Choose your battles. Teach your child how to make a request without a temper tantrum and then honor his request. "Try asking for that toy nicely and I'll get it for you." (I'm using this one to stop the whining and demanding from my little princesses.) Many children have difficulty focusing and learning several different things at once, so if you aren't actively working on that particular area, ask yourself just how important is it that we deal with this right now? Can I offer other choices, alternatives until we can deal with this behavior issue? Is it worth it? If it is important (for example a safety issue), then deal with it then and there. If it is not important, or even quite trivial, then move on to something else - now. For example, you really don't want your kids splashing in the mud puddles because they get all wet and muddy, but on the other hand - what kid doesn't splash in mud puddles? Unless clean and dry is vital at that moment, let your kid be a kid and deal with it another time. Remember, you don't get upset at a dog for acting like a dog, do you?
Make sure that your child is well rested and fed when approaching situations where she is likely to have a temper tantrum. "Supper is almost ready; here's a cracker for now." If you child still needs a nap, plan activities for after the nap and not during that time. Take gum, chips, cheerios (insert appropriate snack food) along with you when you go out.
Avoid boredom. "You have been working on that craft for a long time. Let's take a break and do something else for a little while. We can come back and work on this again later." The younger they are, the more breaks they will likely need, but consider the special needs of your older children as well. Just because they are 15 does not mean they can sit for hours and not need a break! Bring along portable activities when you go somewhere to keep them busy in the car, the waiting room, the restaurant, etc.
Be More Tolerant. Remember that parenting is a full-time job. Try to think about how many times you say, "No" to this child. Avoid conflicts over minor things. You would certainly not be upset with a dog that acted like a dog, so how can you be upset with a child who acts like a child? Think about that one - you've seen it twice already. It is our job as the parent to teach the kids our values and proper socially acceptable behavior - not to squash the kid right out of them. Many times parenting becomes a power struggle with the child and that is something that no one wins.
Establish routines and traditions. These add structure and predictability to your child's life. Start dinner with opportunity for sharing the day's experiences; start bedtime with a story. Here is that word again - be consistent. Structure adds security and helps form boundaries of acceptable behavior for the child.
Signal the child before you reach the end of an activity so that he can get prepared for the transition. "When the timer goes off in five minutes, it will be time to turn off the TV and get ready for bed." Telling your child what is going on, what is going to happen and what to expect is a great way to practice and learn communication and social skills. This tip is especially important for children who have difficulty with transitions, as with many children who are on the Autism Spectrum.
Explain to your child beforehand what to expect when visiting new places or unfamiliar people, "There will be lots of people at the zoo. Be sure to stay together." Prepare ahead of time. This is essential for kids with transition issues, anxiety, and sensory integration. Reassure them that they will be alright, and that you have (or they have) coping mechanisms and a safety plan in case the situation becomes overwhelming for the child. Review the plan with your child before you leave. "Remember what to do if it gets too much for you and you need to leave?"
Use humor to redirect the child's attention. It can actually surprise them right out of a tantrum. This one works great! I use the "No smiling allowed" or the "Don't let me see you smile" approach and it works. Kids just can't seem to help it. It is very difficult for anyone to throw a temper tantrum when they are laughing. Reinforce the laughter with a bit of well-placed tickling.
Help your child to identify early signs of a temper tantrum, especially that point where they start to lose control. For example, say, "I see you are rocking in your chair now; what are you thinking?" Your goal is to teach your child to self regulate, and it is never too early for them to start learning to identify early warning signs of losing control. Then you can start teaching them what to about it for themselves. Of course, this means you, the parent, need to be able to recognize these signs in your child. (If you have a household nanny, or permanent child care provider, please write and tell me what you do that you can afford it! LOL! You thought this was tips for nannies! Here is my tip for parents with hired childcare - spend time with your kids. In order to be able to effectively prevent situations from building up into tantrum proportions, you first need to know your child and how they act under most circumstances. You need to be able to identify the signs yourself so that you can teach them to your child.)
Teach your child some personal relaxation strategies such a deep breathing, stretching, or visual imagery-imagining pleasant places, activities, etc that help her feel calm and safe. Teach and use coping skills and mechanisms every chance you get. Start early and often so that when they are able to identify the indicators of losing control within themselves, they have something they can do about it and have the confidence that it works. Our daughter always carries earplugs, fidgets, stress balls, head phones and music that she uses to calm herself. We put 1956 Topps baseball cards a packet, including her "as needed medication" and Epipen that she carries every where she goes, so it is always available. She started with backpack and has now moved up to some major purse action - which she likes and makes her feel more grown up.
Teach children how to blow off steam in a safe and constructive manner. There are many ways to do that, and you should show them doing it yourself. We've used the jumping up and down, hitting the pillow, yelling into the pillow, walking, and many other methods of dealing with anger. You can model for your child how you calm yourself down. For example, take your child for a walk with you when you get upset about something, and explain how the walk makes you feel better. Teach your child to avoid power struggles by reminding him that you will listen to his problem only when he has calmed down.
Help your child communicate by labeling the feelings she is demonstrating. For example, say, "You look confused; let me see if I can help." Some ways of avoiding anger might include playing with a favorite toy, drawing in a coloring book, listening to music, or exercising. There are specific exercises for calming that you may be able to ask your child's therapist, counselor, Occupational or Physical therapist about. We first heard about Brain Gym from our daughter's therapist, and eventually got our own copy, and there are other systems and methods out there as well. What is important is that you find what works with your child and what they are willing to do and that will determine what you put in your child's "coping pack".
Summary
You certainly want to prevent a temper tantrum rather than dealing with a tantrum after it starts. We covered many different ways of doing that, including:
Catch them doing something good
If it is not a choice - don't give them one
If you can, give them a choice
Remove temptation
Distract or redirect to another activity
Move to another location
Choose your battles
Well fed and rested
Avoid boredom
Be more tolerant
Establish routines
Give them a "heads up" that something is going to change soon
Explain and review what to expect before you go
Use humor and laughter
Teach self-regulation skills
Teach relaxation, calming and coping skills
Teach and model good anger management strategies
Teach communication skills
Be prepared
Prevention strategies do work, but sometimes you just don't catch things soon enough, or - like one of my daughters - they are bound and determined to throw a tantrum no matter what you do! So next we look at what to do for a tantrum in progress.
Judson Greenman, author, webmaster, advocate and father of four very special girls and started these websites as a way of sharing the things that he has learned, experienced and discovered about the joys and challenges of Raising Special Kids - from one parent to another. To find out more, please visit http://www.raising-special-kids.com and http://www.anieleirose.org
